My Inclinations

       Who He says I am

    I embody all that is Beauty and Wonderful
        Graceful in movement and
            perfect in design

My heart, being moulded and shaped to His perfection, belongs to Him

        Preparing to be poured out on one who is made in His likeness, as I am.

Free flowing
 unbrideling
    gut-wrenching 
        passion
that is ready to spark and impact an infulstructure 
        formed by God's own hand; 
                    a Heart, 
   
whose counterpart is my own unhindered,
                                             unconditional flourishment of 
                                                                Love.

Patience.

Recently, I have been finding myself bored;going through the motions. But at the same time i am very happy, but unsatisfied with where i am at. One side of me says its ok to not be content because with contentment, where is the room for faith?  If i never face a situation that makes me uneasy, how am i ever going to rely solely on God? But the other side says: "Chelsea, your always going from on thing to the next, you never persevere through something that is tough!" A friend of mine recently said to me, "you loose interest easily, don't you?" and it kinda hit me hard, really just because i don't want to loose interest easily. it makes me feel like a kid that whines for a toy then two days later doesn't pay any attention to it.

    But thats not who I am, sure i have wants and desires, but i know that i don't whine to God for something. I know that i don't have to do that because He knows what i NEED better than i think i know what i want. So i know that my intentions are good, because my desire is for God's plans to be done in my life, and nothing more. And i know that God allows certain things to happen so that obstacles are overcome and character is defined. But how am i supposed to know when the obstacle is over? Is it a undying restlessness or is it an overwhelming peace? because i can tell you right now i dont have the overwhelming peace. my heart races for so much more than going through the motions of
wake up
    get dressed
         go to work
                hang out a little
                    go to bed   
wake up
     get dressed
         go to work
                hang out a little
                    go to bed...

                                                                            and so on!

  I know that God isnt going to automatically LAUNCH me into my destiny without being ready, but then again how am i ever going to be ready enough? and when am i going to know when to go? which direction should i go? which job should i take? why am i so unhappy at a job that i thought would be so much fun? what kind of job will fit me well anough to  last me more than3-6 months?

And what are the chances that my inquiring about a cart girl job at Hackberry Creek country club would lead me to an opportunity to apply for administrative coordinator position?? and if i were to try for the boring desk job that i know i would hate, how do i know that i wont end up loving it? why am i such a lazy ass that doesnt want to do anything?

And i know that God has the answers to my neverending questions, but i feel like i have no time to seek Him. and I HATE that. i HATE that i dont spend enough time with Him. and i HATE that He's not a top priority yet, and WHY is it soo effing hard to put Him first when He is the miraculous Father that put me together and MADE me who i am! you would think i would be smarter, but no, im dumb enough to be completly subjected to the truth but to deliberately not give Him more of my time?

Heres a thought for you:
       He thought of every single part of you
        your features
           your laugh
             your smile
                your passion
                    your pet pives
                        EVERYTHING!
so WHY not quench His

                                            vehement

desire to be with us, by opening your heart and saying,

Tonight was very interesting for me...i had emotions that ive never really experienced before...and to be honest i cant really explain what exactly they are. I know that it comes from deep within me, and makes known it's existence very loudly.

I guess it just is a new phase, new season, new emotion type thing. But whatever it is, it has my attention. It almost feels like pain and heart ache, i think that might be it because as i write this i can feel it rise in me, bringing me to tears. I dont know what brings me so much heart ache, could it be the longing for more of God's presence, the overwhelming heart surging love that rushes to my heart when i feel Him embrace my every existence.

Could it be the flesh desire for someone to physically embrace me who is enthralled completly with my beauty that God has hidden so deeply inside of me?

I think its a mixture of both, and the simple fact that God desire to speak to me is screaming through the Dave Matthews song im listening to. How? and why? why does He seek so earnestly after my heart when i have failed Him so many times? His Grace and Mercy is so immaculate...

"And now I'm praying that you'll find me out
Stone, stone has pulled me down
But my faith has got me bound to your grey blue eyes


Don't forget my broken heart
You remember it from the start
You made it and it's all a part
Of your grey blue eyes "

     The best way to explain passion in my perspective is: Boundless fire. It emanates through the body; billowing from every vien, unquenchable. It captivates it's victim to the point of asphyxiation. The only elixir is Pentothal: truth serum. Otherwise, it stays inside simpleton, who allowed it to enter in the first place, thus continuing torture.

     You might think, "why in the world would anyone EVER expose themselves to something so horrid?" The sad thing is, is that Ardent Love is almost inevitable for all risk takers. Those who choose to take the risk of loving another. Crazy as it is, God created us to fall miserable in love with someone. To me this parallels his agonized desire to be with us. We were created to worship Him, correct? He doesn't worship us in return, instead He gives something greater: unconditional love. Love that heals broken hearts, redeems impurity, comforts the lonely, and grants all happiness.

      He created the love-sick longing for another, because it affects Him directly. So this ridiculous, built up, choking, gut wrenching, emotion is ok for now i guess.

      The day will come when Sunday afternoon naps, low-light dinners, visits to the park , slow dances, late night movies, walks down the canal will include not only you and God, but also the most loyal, endearing, charming,

affectionate, agreeable, amiable, appealing, attractive, beautiful, beloved, cherished, companionable, considerate, darling, delectable, delicious, delightful, engaging, generous, gentle, good-humored, good-natured, kind, lovable, loving, luscious, patient, pleasant, pleasing, precious, reasonable, sympathetic, tender, thoughtful, treasured, unselfish, obnoxious, replusive, hot-tempered, annoying, rough, unpleasant, abominable, appalling, atrocious, horrid, stinky, embarassing, stressful, most perfect disaster of a man will be at your side FOREVER. And no longer will your agony matter, because you know that every step you take you not only take it with your other half but with God. Such a sweet potent cure-all. sorry if its all over the place...i have a bajillion things going through my mind... si une goute d'eau un basier, je t'enverrais tous les oceans

        So  I am sitting here in my living room, and I'm reminising about  different things in life. I find myself noticing the importance of certain moments in life. The moments that completly confuse you, excite you, anger you, hurt you, make you wonder, make your heart ache, and moments that completly put you in awe. Recently I have experienced so many of these moments, and its these that shape and mold you, because ultimately these moments create experiences that teach you about life. I think to myself, "Why do i have to feel like this right now, what are you trying to teach me, God?"  No answer.

       Again, "Why is this important for me? I don't want to have these feelings! I don't want my heart to ache!" No answer.  My heart beats in agony, frustration, and confusion. I've never felt moments like this during experiences like this. Life is supposed to be fun, exciting, and ok. But its not, its scarey, frustrating, and extremely challenging. I'm only 19, yet for some unknown reason God gives me moments, in experiences, in seasons of life that put me through hell and back.

       I understand that, "I will learn so much, and it's going to be great!" my optimist tells me. But all the while im screaming, "GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME DIRECTION AND REST. GIVE ME STRENGTH AND PERSEVERENCE. GIVE ME HOPE AND GRACE! because without hope and understanding of grace, there will be no rest, strength, perseverence to go steadfast in the direction you desire for me."

 

 

 

serioulsy life right now is not normal. all emotions im having just are out of my understanding. its so weird because obvioulsy i missed my best friend jordan leigh howeth, but lately life seems unbearable without her. i have the biggest desire for a good trustworthy friend, who i dont have to worry about telling everyone everything i say. the need for a good grilfreind is really high, and i dont know where to find it. ya jordan comes home in like two weeks so ill be fine, but it kinda blows my mind that i didnt find anything like it. i now understand why people are jealous of our friendship. and i can say that because people have told us, and what we have is something to want because its such an awesome friendship.

But in life right now i desire mature relationships with people. no more blown out of proportion stuff that happens in high school, why dont people leave that in high school? its not something that HAS to stay with you. its called wishing for the best in peoples character. i have recently been judged on my character, and it was so far off from what i really am that it bew my mind how someone could make such an assumtion and actually confront me about it! its like you hardly know me so why in the world would you say im acting one way when its not like my character at all. its ignorant!

 

i think alot of times thats what we do with God. we say God why did you do this and this and this, when in reality its not His character to do anything of the sort. i guess this is why judging people is so wrong, because we dont know whats truely in thier hearts until we get to know them as a person. same with God, we have no right to call God out on things that happen in our life until we know at least an ok amount about His character. and how we do that is reading the Bible. but at the same time God is so infinate that we can never truely know His entire character, but we can discern what is of Him and whats not.

 

i think im ready for something new, im so ready to start school!! i feel like my brain has gone to mush...i need some intellectual stimulants, or something that will tease my brain.

Well even though it has already passed and not really in anyones mind anymore, im posting about my 4th of july. i started off the morning being tired and hungry. having woken up at 1pm that afternoon, i felt like poo and just wanted to chill. a few nights before i had asked to borrow United 93 from my dear friend Josh Coad. so i figured, "hey it's fourth of July why not celebrate it by remembering how much i love my country." so i popped in the movie. i can't completly explain the feeling that i had, because most of the movie was just like watching behind the scenes type stuff.

And it showed what was happening in the different places and whatnot at the same time, i just wish they would've put the time on there kinda like 24 because that would've help me a little more. But as i watched the people's reaction when the towers were hit it was almost unreal to me, as if it hadn't really happened in real life, but that it was jjust some made up story.

Then they showed how United 93 came together to stop the hijackers, and seriously ever single muscle in my body was tense. it gave me soo much pride in my country, even more than i had before, to watch then take over the hijackers. needless to say it was an amazing movie that gave me soo much more respect for my awesome country, and the people who serve it daily. the only bad part about the movie was that it made me wanna grab a gun and kill some al qaeda!!! anyways...

 

i guess thats all for now...my brain isn't full functioning right at this moment...