My Inclinations

I totaly dont get why its so easy to attract the WRONG guys. I dont understand how to obtain the balance of keeping some in the friend zone and some the opportunity. Are the good ones really that blind? and really how good are they even?

Listen i know i probably sound like a jerk,  but its the truth, everyone has a friend zone! Its like the ones you dont want to ask for your number DO and the ones you wouldnt mind DONT and its just LAME…and i totaly dont get it.

And where do you draw the line of giving everyone at least one chance? Because if you know its an absolutely not ever, then why lead the guy on. Should you only give a chance if you really dont know if it would be a good or bad thing? And if you think it would be a great possiblilty of a good match then how do you express that without ruining the guys’ pursuit of you? And why is it that ALWAYS the guys you end up liking DONT like you back…but then you realize later on: WHAT WAS I SMOKING??!?! Is that simply God just protecting you from yourself and your own blind wants…

Check these lyrics:

Incompatible, it don’t matter though
‘cos someone’s bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You’re not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you’re in disguise

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There’s enough for everyone
But I’m still waiting in line

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They’re all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

SOO GOOD! well comment back if you think you might have a fwe answers to the questions…im just needing some straight up clarity!

word.

im going to throw up! i just wrote a massive blog and it erased! FML!!!

ANYWAYS…
Lately ive been feeling my heart longing for moments of aliveness. im not sure exactly how to explain it, but its like if you were to try to take a deep breath of air and fill your whole body, but you still couldnt

I CANT EFFING WRITE ANYMORE!

so many things just happened that i cant even get back into what i was thinking about! that makes me so mad…life is just kind of a shit holeof thoughts right now! i want to yell the f word as loud as possible and im not goin to lie i might go do that in a second…but you know what God still loves me…and thank the Lord for His unconditional love because i would be SCREWED!  you know what i am sick of everything in my life right now. but i cant do anything about that. and i hate that im not more thankful of the things God has given me and the opportunities He has given me. I know that this is just a season of life, heck life is just full of seasons of life…different obstacles, all a part of the journey. But i feel like no matter how many experiences i have with God, and no matter how much He teaches me i still feel such a longing for more. more in life than just a job that doesnt hold my passion. more in life than friendships with empty meaning and no consideration for the other. I feel like im surrounded by a community that seems really awesome but doesnt seem to give a shit. honestly. no one cares to go deeper. no one cares to get to know one another. Truely. theres the same lame hey hows it going good you good nice awesome  bye. I have one or two relationships with people not my family that are actually worth fighting for, and worth my time. and i HATE that!
we were so made for community but our own insecurity and pride hold us back from that. we are to afraid that someone might see the ugly. someone might see our downfalls, our sin, the deepest parts of who we ARE. not who we portray to be, or what mask we put on. I am not my mask. I am not who you see me as, because OUR views and perspectives of others is perversed and skewed. you may sit there and think. o my chelsea cused a few times in this blog. instead of getting the real messege. we focus on the bad and ugly, and dont see past that. so maybe thats why we are so afraid to show who we ARE. because of others judgement.

well i obviously dont give a flip about that because you know what I know who He says I am and I know I have ugly parts and im not perfect and i sin, but i also know that despite all that God desires to spend eternity with me in overwhelming vehement passionate intimacy. And damnit im going to do that!

And although i may have doubt as to why God has me where i am or why i continue to feel alone and without a real community, i know that God is in control. And He ultimately has delight in me. He loves me. and for that i am eternally grateful for. because He didnt have to give me a job opportunity, or  a house to live in, or a family that loves me, or a best friend that gets me better than anyone. He didnt have to Love me, but He does. And i will spend everyday of my life LIVING to the fullest. Seeing past the ugly and loving others for the very raw parts of who they are. And constantly Thanking God and giving Him Glory for EVERYTHING I do, in EVERYTHING I do.

what am i even talking about? i dont know? i just got completly lost…wellluhhh thats pretty much every thought that came to my mind…sorry its probably not connected HA

        These are just a few things going through my mind lately:

      I feel like im constantly hearing about marriage, and I find myself somehow in the middle of conversations about marriage. I guess its because alot of my friends are in the age range of being married and having relationships that are headed there.Obviously its something every girl dreams of, but so often we hear people say, “be realistic about marriage! its not some perfect dream world!” And yes on one hand i believe that, but at the same time marriage is supposed to be filled with romance, surprises, and overwhelming blessing of Life. 
        I wonder if marriage becomes “realistic” when people forget what Love is really about. Love isnt about provision, it’s not about work, its not about having kids. Love is about putting others above your own selfish desires. And unfortunately that’s what we are born with, selfish desires. How do you suppose you can Love someone so unconditionally if your so filled with your self and what you want.  its impossible! 

            The divorce rate is ridiculous, and we often find the root of all the bitterness and hate to be a lack of Love. And essentially what it is, is one person being so focused on themselves that they neglect the others’ needs. And lets be honest, we have needs, needs to be intimate, physical, and emotional. Why do people so easily put this big idea of SUCCESS in thier mind? To find worth? To feel loved by others? To be placed on a pedastool that receives glory and admiration? 
        None of that sounds good to me! Because SUCCESS is something that warps the mind of false identity. You begin to look at SUCCESS to create your value, tell you who you are, and you lean on it to affirm yourself. No wonder people are so obsessed with being SUCCESSFUL! It’s a deceiving perception of who you are, and it defines you by what you do. So we can do and try as hard as we can to reach this goal of “success” that gives false identity and conditonal love. That says, “If we dont reach the goal, we are a failure.”
        How in the world could a success FOCUSED person be able to properly function in a marriage; when they have a false sense of who they are, and a self serving attitude that feeds thier strive for success. So many people have a fear of failure that drives them to be so extreme, when in actuality they may be successful in work, but most likely a failure to their marriage.
         Also, why do we feel so entitled to glory? glory and fame is not ours. God so divinely put within us gifts and talents to use for HIS Glory and edification. How dare we mis-use what He GAVE us? No wonder marriages fall apart, and it really is true that Happiness is not reached by money and fame.
            I would give ANYTHING to be able to be with someone who i unselfishly lavish Love on consistantly! Because God has done that for me. When i screw up BIG TIME…i mean BIGTIME, He always wraps me in Love and Intimacey. He constantly forgives, and i KNOW in the very depth of my being that He will always provide,always protect, always give grace, because He will ALWAYS Love me. Provision, Security, Compassion, Intimacey are just a few things that happen BECAUSE of  Love. You desire to do those things because you wholeheartedly love someone. 
            It overwhelms me to think that the answer is so clear but because of deception and perversity no one can see it! I desire so much to be a direct example of God’s love with my future marriage (even if that is like a million years away!) 
                    If God gives me something, I want to steward it to the best of my ability. And if that means He will give me a marriage that unselfishly and completly vulnerabley loves, then I KNOW that success will come, because success to be is the opportunity to live life to its fullest and love until i cant anymore. And in having that I will be able to have an “unrealistic” marriage, that people will be blown away by, constantly wondering why its so filled with romance and fairy tales, and i can say “Because my God is the Romancer of my heart, and the Fullfiller of my dreams”

The depth of people’s selfisheness honestly astounds me. Why is it so easy to be so concerned with our “situations” that we ignore completly the feelings and consideration of others?
     I am called to Love my neighbor as myself. If I’m so constantly concerned with my “situations” shouldn’t i be even MORE concerned with others around me, the obstacles they are going through, and the interests of thier hearts. 
    I am created to fulfill a destiny of Salvation to ALL who choose to accept. The catch is, you can’t fulfill the destiny if you are so full of self.  People could care less about how much you know, until they know how much you care. 
    I am created to care, nurture, have compassion; to move in grace, elegance, kindness, and pure of heart. 
        Self= Human Nature
                 Human Nature=inherently evil
Therefore, if I constantly move in selfishness I am allowing my flesh, sin nature,  to over take what God has given, His Son as a living Sacrifice,Redeemer of all Hearts. 
    So technically you could say,”allowing myself to be focused on ‘whats going on in my world’ discredits my true Salvation”
I know its a bold statement, but vibe with my for a second.
    If I so badly desire to spend eternity in Heaven with my creator, then i will obey His commandments. Which then leads to obeying the “comission” of going into all the world and making disciples of all men. Having a heart for others requires Love above all else, self-sacrificing Love.
         unselfish Love
To be filled with God’s Love we can’t be filled with self.
    How, then, are we to reign in our focus and direct it to others, so that we may fulfill the ONLY thing God TRUELY desires us to do 

                                                        ”Love God, Love People”
I think I’m just really sick of hearing people talk about thier “problems”, and honestly Im sick of thinking about my own pointless “problems”. If only i could bum around the world and experience REAL RAW DESPERATE problems…

please comment back and let me know your thoughts! i might be making no sense whatsoever and you might have a different perspective on this, so let me know what you think, be honest.

FYI this may be a little manic-like because im kinda jumbling around just trying to process emotions logically which doesnt always work…

       Who He says I am

    I embody all that is Beauty and Wonderful
        Graceful in movement and
            perfect in design

My heart, being moulded and shaped to His perfection, belongs to Him

        Preparing to be poured out on one who is made in His likeness, as I am.

Free flowing
 unbrideling
    gut-wrenching 
        passion
that is ready to spark and impact an infulstructure 
        formed by God’s own hand; 
                    a Heart, 
   
whose counterpart is my own unhindered,
                                             unconditional flourishment of 
                                                                Love.

Patience.

Recently, I have been finding myself bored;going through the motions. But at the same time i am very happy, but unsatisfied with where i am at. One side of me says its ok to not be content because with contentment, where is the room for faith?  If i never face a situation that makes me uneasy, how am i ever going to rely solely on God? But the other side says: “Chelsea, your always going from on thing to the next, you never persevere through something that is tough!” A friend of mine recently said to me, “you loose interest easily, don’t you?” and it kinda hit me hard, really just because i don’t want to loose interest easily. it makes me feel like a kid that whines for a toy then two days later doesn’t pay any attention to it.

    But thats not who I am, sure i have wants and desires, but i know that i don’t whine to God for something. I know that i don’t have to do that because He knows what i NEED better than i think i know what i want. So i know that my intentions are good, because my desire is for God’s plans to be done in my life, and nothing more. And i know that God allows certain things to happen so that obstacles are overcome and character is defined. But how am i supposed to know when the obstacle is over? Is it a undying restlessness or is it an overwhelming peace? because i can tell you right now i dont have the overwhelming peace. my heart races for so much more than going through the motions of
wake up
    get dressed
         go to work
                hang out a little
                    go to bed   
wake up
     get dressed
         go to work
                hang out a little
                    go to bed…

                                                                            and so on!

  I know that God isnt going to automatically LAUNCH me into my destiny without being ready, but then again how am i ever going to be ready enough? and when am i going to know when to go? which direction should i go? which job should i take? why am i so unhappy at a job that i thought would be so much fun? what kind of job will fit me well anough to  last me more than3-6 months?

And what are the chances that my inquiring about a cart girl job at Hackberry Creek country club would lead me to an opportunity to apply for administrative coordinator position?? and if i were to try for the boring desk job that i know i would hate, how do i know that i wont end up loving it? why am i such a lazy ass that doesnt want to do anything?

And i know that God has the answers to my neverending questions, but i feel like i have no time to seek Him. and I HATE that. i HATE that i dont spend enough time with Him. and i HATE that He’s not a top priority yet, and WHY is it soo effing hard to put Him first when He is the miraculous Father that put me together and MADE me who i am! you would think i would be smarter, but no, im dumb enough to be completly subjected to the truth but to deliberately not give Him more of my time?

Heres a thought for you:
       He thought of every single part of you
        your features
           your laugh
             your smile
                your passion
                    your pet pives
                        EVERYTHING!
so WHY not quench His

                                            vehement

desire to be with us, by opening your heart and saying,

Tonight was very interesting for me…i had emotions that ive never really experienced before…and to be honest i cant really explain what exactly they are. I know that it comes from deep within me, and makes known it’s existence very loudly.

I guess it just is a new phase, new season, new emotion type thing. But whatever it is, it has my attention. It almost feels like pain and heart ache, i think that might be it because as i write this i can feel it rise in me, bringing me to tears. I dont know what brings me so much heart ache, could it be the longing for more of God’s presence, the overwhelming heart surging love that rushes to my heart when i feel Him embrace my every existence.

Could it be the flesh desire for someone to physically embrace me who is enthralled completly with my beauty that God has hidden so deeply inside of me?

I think its a mixture of both, and the simple fact that God desire to speak to me is screaming through the Dave Matthews song im listening to. How? and why? why does He seek so earnestly after my heart when i have failed Him so many times? His Grace and Mercy is so immaculate…

“And now I’m praying that you’ll find me out
Stone, stone has pulled me down
But my faith has got me bound to your grey blue eyes

Don’t forget my broken heart
You remember it from the start
You made it and it’s all a part
Of your grey blue eyes “

     The best way to explain passion in my perspective is: Boundless fire. It emanates through the body; billowing from every vien, unquenchable. It captivates it’s victim to the point of asphyxiation. The only elixir is Pentothal: truth serum. Otherwise, it stays inside simpleton, who allowed it to enter in the first place, thus continuing torture.

     You might think, “why in the world would anyone EVER expose themselves to something so horrid?” The sad thing is, is that Ardent Love is almost inevitable for all risk takers. Those who choose to take the risk of loving another. Crazy as it is, God created us to fall miserable in love with someone. To me this parallels his agonized desire to be with us. We were created to worship Him, correct? He doesn’t worship us in return, instead He gives something greater: unconditional love. Love that heals broken hearts, redeems impurity, comforts the lonely, and grants all happiness.

      He created the love-sick longing for another, because it affects Him directly. So this ridiculous, built up, choking, gut wrenching, emotion is ok for now i guess.

      The day will come when Sunday afternoon naps, low-light dinners, visits to the park , slow dances, late night movies, walks down the canal will include not only you and God, but also the most loyal, endearing, charming,

affectionate, agreeable, amiable, appealing, attractive, beautiful, beloved, cherished, companionable, considerate, darling, delectable, delicious, delightful, engaging, generous, gentle, good-humored, good-natured, kind, lovable, loving, luscious, patient, pleasant, pleasing, precious, reasonable, sympathetic, tender, thoughtful, treasured, unselfish, obnoxious, replusive, hot-tempered, annoying, rough, unpleasant, abominable, appalling, atrocious, horrid, stinky, embarassing, stressful, most perfect disaster of a man will be at your side FOREVER. And no longer will your agony matter, because you know that every step you take you not only take it with your other half but with God. Such a sweet potent cure-all. sorry if its all over the place…i have a bajillion things going through my mind… si une goute d’eau un basier, je t’enverrais tous les oceans

        So  I am sitting here in my living room, and I’m reminising about  different things in life. I find myself noticing the importance of certain moments in life. The moments that completly confuse you, excite you, anger you, hurt you, make you wonder, make your heart ache, and moments that completly put you in awe. Recently I have experienced so many of these moments, and its these that shape and mold you, because ultimately these moments create experiences that teach you about life. I think to myself, “Why do i have to feel like this right now, what are you trying to teach me, God?”  No answer.

       Again, “Why is this important for me? I don’t want to have these feelings! I don’t want my heart to ache!” No answer.  My heart beats in agony, frustration, and confusion. I’ve never felt moments like this during experiences like this. Life is supposed to be fun, exciting, and ok. But its not, its scarey, frustrating, and extremely challenging. I’m only 19, yet for some unknown reason God gives me moments, in experiences, in seasons of life that put me through hell and back.

       I understand that, “I will learn so much, and it’s going to be great!” my optimist tells me. But all the while im screaming, “GOD, PLEASE GIVE ME DIRECTION AND REST. GIVE ME STRENGTH AND PERSEVERENCE. GIVE ME HOPE AND GRACE! because without hope and understanding of grace, there will be no rest, strength, perseverence to go steadfast in the direction you desire for me.”