My Inclinations

ANYWAYS…
Lately ive been feeling my heart longing for moments of aliveness. im not sure exactly how to explain it, but its like if you were to try to take a deep breath of air and fill your whole body, but you still couldnt

I CANT EFFING WRITE ANYMORE!

so many things just happened that i cant even get back into what i was thinking about! that makes me so mad…life is just kind of a shit holeof thoughts right now! i want to yell the f word as loud as possible and im not goin to lie i might go do that in a second…but you know what God still loves me…and thank the Lord for His unconditional love because i would be SCREWED!  you know what i am sick of everything in my life right now. but i cant do anything about that. and i hate that im not more thankful of the things God has given me and the opportunities He has given me. I know that this is just a season of life, heck life is just full of seasons of life…different obstacles, all a part of the journey. But i feel like no matter how many experiences i have with God, and no matter how much He teaches me i still feel such a longing for more. more in life than just a job that doesnt hold my passion. more in life than friendships with empty meaning and no consideration for the other. I feel like im surrounded by a community that seems really awesome but doesnt seem to give a shit. honestly. no one cares to go deeper. no one cares to get to know one another. Truely. theres the same lame hey hows it going good you good nice awesome  bye. I have one or two relationships with people not my family that are actually worth fighting for, and worth my time. and i HATE that!
we were so made for community but our own insecurity and pride hold us back from that. we are to afraid that someone might see the ugly. someone might see our downfalls, our sin, the deepest parts of who we ARE. not who we portray to be, or what mask we put on. I am not my mask. I am not who you see me as, because OUR views and perspectives of others is perversed and skewed. you may sit there and think. o my chelsea cused a few times in this blog. instead of getting the real messege. we focus on the bad and ugly, and dont see past that. so maybe thats why we are so afraid to show who we ARE. because of others judgement.

well i obviously dont give a flip about that because you know what I know who He says I am and I know I have ugly parts and im not perfect and i sin, but i also know that despite all that God desires to spend eternity with me in overwhelming vehement passionate intimacy. And damnit im going to do that!

And although i may have doubt as to why God has me where i am or why i continue to feel alone and without a real community, i know that God is in control. And He ultimately has delight in me. He loves me. and for that i am eternally grateful for. because He didnt have to give me a job opportunity, or  a house to live in, or a family that loves me, or a best friend that gets me better than anyone. He didnt have to Love me, but He does. And i will spend everyday of my life LIVING to the fullest. Seeing past the ugly and loving others for the very raw parts of who they are. And constantly Thanking God and giving Him Glory for EVERYTHING I do, in EVERYTHING I do.

what am i even talking about? i dont know? i just got completly lost…wellluhhh thats pretty much every thought that came to my mind…sorry its probably not connected HA